I haven't written here in awhile...have been mostly keeping a written journal, but a friend has asked me to post some more of my thoughts and so I shall.
I left off with my mom being sick. She died three weeks later, on August 20th, while I held her hand. Most of her kids and grandkids and brother were there. She died peacefully in her sleep and for that I am so thankful. I am so sad that mama is gone, but I am, at the same time, glad that she did not have to suffer any longer than she already had. I love and miss you, mama, but I know you are in a better place today!
After mama, then my good friend Sheri (Lammers) Daniels passed away in October. How much worse could 2014 get???
I have done things in the past few months that I'm not proud of. I've been smoking more, not just cigarettes either, and I have been drinking more than I have in a very long time. I had sex with a guy whom I barely know...and enjoyed it...even stepping away from my normal selection of skin color. That lasted for a couple of months but ended at Christmas.
Since Christmas, I have been growing even closer to God and in doing so, the drinking and smoking of stuff has lessened. I have not been tempted by the guy upstairs, though there's been a couple of times he's wanted to get together. And I am not sorry for these all-to-human worldly things to be decreasing in my life. In fact, it makes me quite happy!!!
I have been praying for God to change my heart, to purify it, especially when it comes to loving somebody who belongs to another. (Not the person previously mentioned). I have asked God to turn my love into that of a very dear friend and nothing more. And I feel that my prayers are being answered, though I'm sure there is more work to be done. After all, you can't just stop that kind of love overnight.
I have also met somebody new. A kind, sweet man who is quickly becoming a dear, dear friend.Where that shall lead, if anywhere, I do not know....and that's okay. Victor has brought laughter, joy and smiles to my life and to my face again, and right now, I couldn't ask more from God. It is nice just to feel this way again because of the new friend He has blessed me with...a friend that shares my faith and who has very similar interests to mine. It has been such a joy to speak of all these common interests, to learn from this man a way to grow into a deeper faith with God/Jesus and Mother Mary. A man who has listened to me when I have been sad over Robert, who has listened to my crazy little rants now and then, who has listened to my worries - even when I am over-thinking things. And I pray, Victor, that I am doing the same for you because I want to be able to share and give back to you what you have been giving to me the past few months.
And, yes, my faith is growing stronger each day, though I know it can grow a lot more! Soon it will be Easter Vigil and I will be getting baptized, confirmed into the Catholic Church and partaking of my 1st Eucharist. I am looking forward to that day with so much joy and excitement. I pray, God, that I can be a faithful servant / handmaid to you like my patron saint, Mary. Thank you, God, for letting me know that, not only did YOU choose me, but so did Mary. And thank you, God, for helping me to see that from that day on, there was no other name or patron saint for me to choose for confirmation other than Mary.
There are only a few things that I really want right now. I want to continue to grow in my faith, I want to be able to serve God in whatever way he wants me to, and I want to be able to participate again, someday, in the Sacrament of Marriage. This time, though, I want to know what marriage really means before I go jumping in because I want it for a lifetime. And I want it to be a marriage of true love, a holy love that only can come between those God puts together as soul-mates. I want a man that I can love and that can love me back, a man who is not afraid to be shown affection and who is not afraid to receive affection....a man I can pray with, study Scriptures with and share thoughts on them with...a man who is a partner to me spiritually, emotionally and physically and that I can do and be the same for him.
Despite days of deep sorrow and loneliness for Robert, the times are getting farther and fewer between. I feel so ready to move on with life and I am glad for that. I am glad that I can once again feel happy and joyful. All because God loves me and has shown me that I am truly precious in His eyes. Thank you, dear Lord, for reminding me of Your pure love. May I be a faithful servant who can give pure love back to You!
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Blessed are the Three as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be. Holy Mother Mary, pray for this sinner, that I might always be worthy of the love of our dear, Savior, your Son, Jesus. Amen
I left off with my mom being sick. She died three weeks later, on August 20th, while I held her hand. Most of her kids and grandkids and brother were there. She died peacefully in her sleep and for that I am so thankful. I am so sad that mama is gone, but I am, at the same time, glad that she did not have to suffer any longer than she already had. I love and miss you, mama, but I know you are in a better place today!
After mama, then my good friend Sheri (Lammers) Daniels passed away in October. How much worse could 2014 get???
I have done things in the past few months that I'm not proud of. I've been smoking more, not just cigarettes either, and I have been drinking more than I have in a very long time. I had sex with a guy whom I barely know...and enjoyed it...even stepping away from my normal selection of skin color. That lasted for a couple of months but ended at Christmas.
Since Christmas, I have been growing even closer to God and in doing so, the drinking and smoking of stuff has lessened. I have not been tempted by the guy upstairs, though there's been a couple of times he's wanted to get together. And I am not sorry for these all-to-human worldly things to be decreasing in my life. In fact, it makes me quite happy!!!
I have been praying for God to change my heart, to purify it, especially when it comes to loving somebody who belongs to another. (Not the person previously mentioned). I have asked God to turn my love into that of a very dear friend and nothing more. And I feel that my prayers are being answered, though I'm sure there is more work to be done. After all, you can't just stop that kind of love overnight.
I have also met somebody new. A kind, sweet man who is quickly becoming a dear, dear friend.Where that shall lead, if anywhere, I do not know....and that's okay. Victor has brought laughter, joy and smiles to my life and to my face again, and right now, I couldn't ask more from God. It is nice just to feel this way again because of the new friend He has blessed me with...a friend that shares my faith and who has very similar interests to mine. It has been such a joy to speak of all these common interests, to learn from this man a way to grow into a deeper faith with God/Jesus and Mother Mary. A man who has listened to me when I have been sad over Robert, who has listened to my crazy little rants now and then, who has listened to my worries - even when I am over-thinking things. And I pray, Victor, that I am doing the same for you because I want to be able to share and give back to you what you have been giving to me the past few months.
And, yes, my faith is growing stronger each day, though I know it can grow a lot more! Soon it will be Easter Vigil and I will be getting baptized, confirmed into the Catholic Church and partaking of my 1st Eucharist. I am looking forward to that day with so much joy and excitement. I pray, God, that I can be a faithful servant / handmaid to you like my patron saint, Mary. Thank you, God, for letting me know that, not only did YOU choose me, but so did Mary. And thank you, God, for helping me to see that from that day on, there was no other name or patron saint for me to choose for confirmation other than Mary.
There are only a few things that I really want right now. I want to continue to grow in my faith, I want to be able to serve God in whatever way he wants me to, and I want to be able to participate again, someday, in the Sacrament of Marriage. This time, though, I want to know what marriage really means before I go jumping in because I want it for a lifetime. And I want it to be a marriage of true love, a holy love that only can come between those God puts together as soul-mates. I want a man that I can love and that can love me back, a man who is not afraid to be shown affection and who is not afraid to receive affection....a man I can pray with, study Scriptures with and share thoughts on them with...a man who is a partner to me spiritually, emotionally and physically and that I can do and be the same for him.
Despite days of deep sorrow and loneliness for Robert, the times are getting farther and fewer between. I feel so ready to move on with life and I am glad for that. I am glad that I can once again feel happy and joyful. All because God loves me and has shown me that I am truly precious in His eyes. Thank you, dear Lord, for reminding me of Your pure love. May I be a faithful servant who can give pure love back to You!
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Blessed are the Three as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be. Holy Mother Mary, pray for this sinner, that I might always be worthy of the love of our dear, Savior, your Son, Jesus. Amen