I really need to find out what's wrong with me because my joy is gone. I've always felt the love and peace of Jesus' birth, life and death, but I noticed at Easter that I didn't feel it. I wanted to. I immersed myself in God's Word. I tried to pray, but couldn't get any words out. It's as if I am dead inside and that totally scares me!
Is it because, though I try to be good, I am not? I know there are a few commandments that I am not following as I should...
#10 "You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's."
This is the one commandment that I think I break the most...
A) I try not to be envious, but I cannot help myself. I see the love my friends have with their spouses...relationships that have lasted since high school...and I envy them. I envy them because they have a love that I once thought that I would have...a love that I wish that I had too! Most days I now wonder if I will ever have that. Yes, once upon a time I thought I would have that with Gary, but I didn't. I didn't start out to have that with Robert, but in the end, I hoped that it would turn in to that. It hasn't and there are days I feel very, very lonely. That loneliness hurts and I try to push it aside. Most days I am able to ignore it, but I am not always successful.
B) I try not to covet, but again, I cannot help myself. There is somebody that I truly wish I could be with for the rest of my life, but I cannot. My feelings are complicated here and I do not think I could genuinely ask for these feelings to be removed from me. I have tried to pray about it, but each time I do, the words will not come. It is as if there is a blockage that stops the words and the thoughts from being uttered or thought. Is it because there is a part of me that does not want to let go ... or that simply cannot let go?
C) I try not to be envious of my friends and family that have had children and grandchildren. I so wanted to have my own family like this, but I guess it was never meant to be. Adoption has never been an option...have just never had what is required by agencies to even be considered as an adoptive parent! I do not understand why this desire of mine was never meant to be, but it is not for me to ask. God wanted it this way and I have to live with that, though it hurts quite a lot at times. Most days, I am ok with it now, but there are still times when the envy arises and the pain comes again.
#4 "Remember to keep the Sabbath day, to keep it holy."
I am bad at this one too. I have not gone to church in years, though I have Sundays off. Mostly I do not go out of pure laziness. Partially because I do not know where I want to go. Partially out of shyness.
A) I've gone to many different types of churches... Open Bible, LDS, Baptist, Seventh Day Adventist, Nazarene, Catholic.
B) I hate my shyness. Though it's not as bad as it used to be, it tends to come out when I go to church by myself. When I do go, I tend to stay to myself and only speak to others when I am spoken to. This certainly does not help!!!
#3 "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain."
I do not intentionally break this one. Sometimes an "OMG" or "Jesus" slips out of my mouth before my brain thinks. Each time I catch myself, I feel guilty and I send a prayer of sorrow and ask forgiveness. But, really, how many times will He forgive me for such a thing as this????
Maybe it is because of this last one that I cannot seem to get my prayers out and why I no longer feel the joy that God gives. I can only hope that as I put my thoughts into words here that He shall hear it as a prayer and help me to draw near unto Him once again!!! If not, I do not know what to do. Maybe somebody reading this could say a little prayer on my behalf too.
Is it because, though I try to be good, I am not? I know there are a few commandments that I am not following as I should...
#10 "You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's."
This is the one commandment that I think I break the most...
A) I try not to be envious, but I cannot help myself. I see the love my friends have with their spouses...relationships that have lasted since high school...and I envy them. I envy them because they have a love that I once thought that I would have...a love that I wish that I had too! Most days I now wonder if I will ever have that. Yes, once upon a time I thought I would have that with Gary, but I didn't. I didn't start out to have that with Robert, but in the end, I hoped that it would turn in to that. It hasn't and there are days I feel very, very lonely. That loneliness hurts and I try to push it aside. Most days I am able to ignore it, but I am not always successful.
B) I try not to covet, but again, I cannot help myself. There is somebody that I truly wish I could be with for the rest of my life, but I cannot. My feelings are complicated here and I do not think I could genuinely ask for these feelings to be removed from me. I have tried to pray about it, but each time I do, the words will not come. It is as if there is a blockage that stops the words and the thoughts from being uttered or thought. Is it because there is a part of me that does not want to let go ... or that simply cannot let go?
C) I try not to be envious of my friends and family that have had children and grandchildren. I so wanted to have my own family like this, but I guess it was never meant to be. Adoption has never been an option...have just never had what is required by agencies to even be considered as an adoptive parent! I do not understand why this desire of mine was never meant to be, but it is not for me to ask. God wanted it this way and I have to live with that, though it hurts quite a lot at times. Most days, I am ok with it now, but there are still times when the envy arises and the pain comes again.
#4 "Remember to keep the Sabbath day, to keep it holy."
I am bad at this one too. I have not gone to church in years, though I have Sundays off. Mostly I do not go out of pure laziness. Partially because I do not know where I want to go. Partially out of shyness.
A) I've gone to many different types of churches... Open Bible, LDS, Baptist, Seventh Day Adventist, Nazarene, Catholic.
- I liked the Open Bible but it was a small country congregation and I have never found another like it.
- I liked the LDS one for a bit (it's that family thing that makes me miss it at times).
- Didn't care as much for Baptist or Seventh Day Adventist. They weren't bad, just not my style. Seems like there was another one along the Adventist line, but can't remember what it was. But again, it just wasn't my style.
- I liked both of the Nazarene churches I went to in Eugene and Springfield, but have not gone to one here that I was comfortable in.
- I like the Catholic one too. To be honest, I have been curious about that faith since the days when I was at Springfield Nazarene and we used their school's classrooms for our Sunday School classes. When I go to the Catholic church services, though, I feel like a fish out of water! Maybe one of these days I shall learn more and not feel that way. If I ever were to get comfortable with it, I certainly wouldn't have far to go, either, since there is a parish within two blocks of my home.
B) I hate my shyness. Though it's not as bad as it used to be, it tends to come out when I go to church by myself. When I do go, I tend to stay to myself and only speak to others when I am spoken to. This certainly does not help!!!
#3 "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain."
I do not intentionally break this one. Sometimes an "OMG" or "Jesus" slips out of my mouth before my brain thinks. Each time I catch myself, I feel guilty and I send a prayer of sorrow and ask forgiveness. But, really, how many times will He forgive me for such a thing as this????
Maybe it is because of this last one that I cannot seem to get my prayers out and why I no longer feel the joy that God gives. I can only hope that as I put my thoughts into words here that He shall hear it as a prayer and help me to draw near unto Him once again!!! If not, I do not know what to do. Maybe somebody reading this could say a little prayer on my behalf too.