For several weeks, I have seen the accident in detail at least once a day ... some days up to 6 or 7 times a day. Thankfully, I have not seen it in my sleep too! The last week has been better though as far as that goes. I still see it nearly every day but not as many times. Instead, I shudder when I hear the whine of a sports bike that sounds like the one that hit Jimmy...the one that we hit the back tire of. The sound disturbs me and makes me a little ... not really angry, but along those lines (I just don't know how to describe it).
I miss Robert every day, but the grief is starting to ease. I know he would want me to go on with my life...to enjoy life, to find somebody new and to take care of our kitties. I feel guilty, though, in some ways.
I haven't been walking Hunter like I was right after the accident. My neck and back hurt too much. Instead I have been letting him, Blackie and Bella go out on their own:
- Blackie disappeared for a week or two, but has been coming back the last couple of days for a few minutes. He acts as if I am a stranger when he sees me though. Once he's in the house, if I sit still and just call him to me, he comes over for loving for a couple of minutes and then eats a little and leaves again. At least now I know he knows how to get in and out if I am not here or if I am asleep. It makes me sad that he is becoming like his biological mother because she was like that too....more so with me than with Robert. I can't help but wonder if this is because of Robert not being here anymore and if there's anything I can do to fix it. For now, I leave it in God's hands.
- Hunter stays out a lot, but he knows how to get in or out whenever he wants. He still comes back to check on me and get loving, to eat and sleep once in awhile and then he's off again. I feel a little guilty letting him out on his own. I feel that Robert would come back from the dead to haunt me if anything happened to Hunter. At the same time, I remember he asked me a couple of times if he should let Hunter out on his own and I feel that he watches over his boy whenever Hunter goes out.
- Bella stays nearby. She, too, knows how to go in and out if she wants to. For the most part she stays in the house or on the porch unless I go out with her. She loves to chase the leaves or other things that blow around the yard when she's outside. It is such a pleasure to watch her having fun again! I am sure that is because a neighbor took her and I to the vet. She has to have a few teeth pulled and have the others cleaned. Thankfully, she seems to be doing better with the antibiotic she is on and I have been able to pay for the vet with Robert's June VA check that was deposited this month. Unfortunately, I found out today that I am probably going to have to pay that back. I have to call to find out for sure. I pray that I won't have to, but if I do, I hope they'll take payments! There's no way I could pay it all back at once.
I have gone out a few times with either Jessica or Shellia and have been trying to enjoy life. Most of the time, however, I sit at home. It's ok, but now and again I feel like I am going stir crazy and just need to get out! I don't, though, except to go to church.
There are so many days that I feel so lonely. I miss seeing Robert every day and talking to him. I miss getting a hug from him when I get home from work or when I feel really sad. It hurts so much sometimes that I wish I had a male friend who could just come hang out with me for awhile and hold me...just to let me know everything is ok and that everything is going to be ok. I try to lean on God for strength and to help comfort me, but sometimes I just need to be held by human arms. I feel guilty for that too. God should be enough for me!!! He saved me in this accident for whatever purpose He has for me. How dare I feel that He isn't enough?! Yet, I cannot help feeling that way at times and that makes me sad too.
I know that Robert would not want me to be alone...that he would want me to find someone else. Part of me wants to do that right now as he probably would have done, and yet I know it is not time yet. I still miss Robert too much and grieve for him too much. It would not be fair to another when I feel this way. I sometimes wonder if I will know when it is time to go on with this part of my life. When it is, how will I go about meeting somebody? How will I know the person is the right one for me? How will I know if I can trust them or not? How will I know they won't turn around and hurt me deeply? What if they aren't Catholic? What if they are Catholic? The last two I've been with, one was not religious (Robert) and he has left me for a better place and the other one I met at the Nazarene church (Gary) and look how that turned out!
Speaking of Gary...I got up the nerve to search for him and to call him. Luckily, the number I found was, indeed, his number. He sounds so old now, and yet he is only 63, almost 64. At the same time, he sounded a bit like I remember. He was kind and caring, sorry for my loss and wondering if I will be ok. He said he truly did love me when we were married and kept called me "Baby" at times. That was a loving nickname he had for me during our marriage and I couldn't help wondering if he still had feelings like that for me, despite his being remarried. But I didn't ask. I felt so sad for him. He is not doing well...on oxygen full time although his heart is good, cannot drive, unable to walk much or do much of anything because of his breathing. Part of me wishes that we could get together one more time for lunch or something, but he has a wife that he recently patched things up with ... a wife who sounds like she may be of the jealous sort. At the same time, she sounds like a good wife to him because she came back to take care of him when all of this started going on with his health. I've missed the good times he and I shared, the caring he showed me...he wasn't afraid to show his emotions as Robert was and I sometimes missed that in what Robert and I had together. And Robert knew that, but it was his way. He showed me in other ways how much he cared for me.
Anyhow, what's done is done. I can't help wondering, though, if I'll ever find love again. My first love ended because I was always so jealous. It was something I didn't know how to control and yet I loved him with all of my heart and, in many ways, still do. My second love ended because I was a spoiled brat who felt rejected by the man she thought she loved...a spoiled brat who couldn't manage her anger and became abusive...somebody I did not want to be and that I found I couldn't live with. And now, my third love has died and I am again alone. Will I ever find a man who loves me? Will I ever find a man who is not afraid to show his love for me? Will I find a man who is affectionate and likes to cuddle? Will I find a man who enjoys lovemaking? Will I find a man who I can live the rest of my life with, share my faith with and who shares his with me? Can I find a man who will be my best friend and who has similar interests?
So many questions. So many emotions. Some days, like today, I feel like I am a hot, hot mess!!!! Some days, like today, I feel like I really do need to talk to a grief counselor, but not in a group setting. It would have to be one-on-one. And then I have days like I did last week, where I knew I would be ok...where I could feel God's arms around me in comfort and in strength...where I didn't feel like I had to see a counselor. I don't know what normal is anymore and that rather scares me...but not as scared as I get when I feel like I am living in a bubble, cut off from everything and everybody, and feel numb to it all.
But enough! I am getting maudlin and it is time to move on to something else and to get my mind off of all of this upheaval in my life. God grant me peace, comfort and serenity. Let me feel your comforting arms and may my spirit be uplifted instead of downcast as it is this very moment. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit + Amen.